I rushed home after an afternoon tutorial. Most mornings begin at 8.45 am and newspaper reading in the morning has been one of many casualties in this extend-the-workhours -regime. I learnt later in the day about the new carrot policy in the morning paper, whereby "able academics" could alter their academic-life conditions almost instantly.
The second round of shake ups in the university academic system have begun. New golden apples are steadily being dislodged from the viceregal chambers for the dexterous Jasons of the university to run after and capture. Yet again , an act of largesse was in place, an undeserved opportunity for those of us who had been Left behind.
In retrospect, objecting to violation of procedure and policy was short-sighted. Being loyal to time tested teaching practice and believing in academia as a place for dissent, brainstorming, dialogue and collective growth was a strategic mistake. Demanding transparency and dialogue were tantamount to tilting at windmills. Weary of chasing mirages, I decided to plunge myself heroically into this new opportunity and re-invent myself.
I fixed an appointment with the head of More Perfect Relations, assuredly the best PR company in the world ( this is Goebbelspeak which first requires the articulation of a fiction that must be consistently reiterated to prove its veracity.) Reaching the MPR office posthaste I began work to eliminate the competition. Illustrating my innovative abilities, I am submitting a blue print for the proposed production.
.
Director MPR : You want to produce a DVD demonstrating your excellence as an innovative teacher? My firm provides publicity for filmstars, politicians and sportspersons. Surely academic awards are bound by some well-defined academic criteria? Are you sure you are in the right place ma'am?
Me: Yes! The university no longer has the time for evaluating academic excellence. We are in a hurry and must therefore forgo all extant sane academic procedures because they are depressingly accurate. Academic worth is now to be measured by TRP ratings. So we have a point system in place and both quantity and volume of visible noise are essential qualifications. Academics must produce these special effects or be for ever fallen!
Director MPR: Well, we are in the visibility business. So how do we go about it?
Me: I need to make a ten minute video showcasing my excellence as a teacher transforming the lives of hapless students by teaching ill-conceived and illogical courses that are smashing the foundations of serious academic disciplines.
Director MPR: Ten minutes is very little
Me: It is a lot. Fiinely calibrated mathematical calculations from cellphone smses have revealed that student attention spans last only a few seconds. Also new protocols from American universities demand brevity as nine continuous minutes are now the stipulated information-absorption norm. We actually have a surplus of one whole extra minute.!
DirectorMPR: What will we be focusing on?
Me: Well I need an able film maker who will work pro bono for me. I need him to focus on my best profile and since I am overweight, he must have good photo-shopping skills. I was thinking close focus on my left profile with my hands raised to the sky. This will be an iconic inspirational pose reaching out to a grand Indian narrative.... and then the camera must quick shift to faces of students looking both awed and inspired.
Director MPR: Is there any audio content.?
Me: I was coming to that. The need of the day is a unifying anthem ( our university has plans for one). I am in the process of writing a small poem celebrating my attributes, in the tradition of the suprabhatams. I will get the students to recite it. That would show collective growth, me being praised and them doing the praising.
DIrector MPR: How will that bring out your excellent creative skills and provide proof of the students as learning from your considerable expertise?.
Me: I have it all worked out. I teach an Application Course in Translation. My basic discipline is English Literature, Nobody is more qualified to write a hagiographic poem on me. I shall write this poem in Ottava Rima or the far more compact Tetrameter. My students will memorize and recite it in English. This will be part of their presentation. Then I will get them to translate it into Hindi and other regional languages. Actually it doesnt matter that our students have minimal knowledge of other regional languages. We also have no translation laboratories or equipment to assist students. All this is irrelevant as we have complete leeway to do anything we want.
We have an exciting component called project work, which will be useful for outsourcing translations.
Once this is on camera, the DVD can be outsourced for dubbing into various languages. (a minimum of ten)
This way, I will have created a text, provided for inter-textuality, created a link between the various languages of India and also put myself on the national map with at least sixty unknown scholar-translators per semester.
I shall also acknowledge my sources(even though this is a practice that the university is beginning to frown upon) I need everyone to know that my inspiration is global. The Ceausescus Of Romania rewrote themselves into their nation's school curriculum. Surely university teachers are better qualified to direct higher education?
Taking a a leaf out of Chinese Olympic Inauguration protocol the camera must focus on the good looking and photogenic students for best visual appeal. They must be choreographed looking rapturous. Don't worry about discrimination. The ones with good handwriting will write me glowing feedback about how they had never understood the potential of teaching till they attended my lectures.
Director MPR : You must be a fantastic teacher to generate such student response!
Me: Actually, teaching is the least of it. I control their marks. The Carrot policy is as effective at the bottom of the pyramid.. It works well for me too. Every student clears my course with distinction. This is in keeping with our new output based national educational policy where we record an annual increase in the numbers of outstanding scholars. How else in the absence of infrastructural facilities and indifference to quality do you think education is being upgraded.? Education is expanding in geometric proportions inside of our own heads. All we are required to do is to manufacture the data to support it. I am first and foremost a patriot!
Director MPR: This is a brilliant innovative project.
Me: Yes, It should merit a one year fellowship to China or maybe Romania, and recharge me. On my return, I shall contact a recording company and hire playback singers, maybe train the next translation batch to sing in many languages. My first video will also be immediately updated and submitted for the next round of awards. Hurrah for innovation and diversification in the business of higher education.
The second round of shake ups in the university academic system have begun. New golden apples are steadily being dislodged from the viceregal chambers for the dexterous Jasons of the university to run after and capture. Yet again , an act of largesse was in place, an undeserved opportunity for those of us who had been Left behind.
In retrospect, objecting to violation of procedure and policy was short-sighted. Being loyal to time tested teaching practice and believing in academia as a place for dissent, brainstorming, dialogue and collective growth was a strategic mistake. Demanding transparency and dialogue were tantamount to tilting at windmills. Weary of chasing mirages, I decided to plunge myself heroically into this new opportunity and re-invent myself.
I fixed an appointment with the head of More Perfect Relations, assuredly the best PR company in the world ( this is Goebbelspeak which first requires the articulation of a fiction that must be consistently reiterated to prove its veracity.) Reaching the MPR office posthaste I began work to eliminate the competition. Illustrating my innovative abilities, I am submitting a blue print for the proposed production.
.
Director MPR : You want to produce a DVD demonstrating your excellence as an innovative teacher? My firm provides publicity for filmstars, politicians and sportspersons. Surely academic awards are bound by some well-defined academic criteria? Are you sure you are in the right place ma'am?
Me: Yes! The university no longer has the time for evaluating academic excellence. We are in a hurry and must therefore forgo all extant sane academic procedures because they are depressingly accurate. Academic worth is now to be measured by TRP ratings. So we have a point system in place and both quantity and volume of visible noise are essential qualifications. Academics must produce these special effects or be for ever fallen!
Director MPR: Well, we are in the visibility business. So how do we go about it?
Me: I need to make a ten minute video showcasing my excellence as a teacher transforming the lives of hapless students by teaching ill-conceived and illogical courses that are smashing the foundations of serious academic disciplines.
Director MPR: Ten minutes is very little
Me: It is a lot. Fiinely calibrated mathematical calculations from cellphone smses have revealed that student attention spans last only a few seconds. Also new protocols from American universities demand brevity as nine continuous minutes are now the stipulated information-absorption norm. We actually have a surplus of one whole extra minute.!
DirectorMPR: What will we be focusing on?
Me: Well I need an able film maker who will work pro bono for me. I need him to focus on my best profile and since I am overweight, he must have good photo-shopping skills. I was thinking close focus on my left profile with my hands raised to the sky. This will be an iconic inspirational pose reaching out to a grand Indian narrative.... and then the camera must quick shift to faces of students looking both awed and inspired.
Director MPR: Is there any audio content.?
Me: I was coming to that. The need of the day is a unifying anthem ( our university has plans for one). I am in the process of writing a small poem celebrating my attributes, in the tradition of the suprabhatams. I will get the students to recite it. That would show collective growth, me being praised and them doing the praising.
DIrector MPR: How will that bring out your excellent creative skills and provide proof of the students as learning from your considerable expertise?.
Me: I have it all worked out. I teach an Application Course in Translation. My basic discipline is English Literature, Nobody is more qualified to write a hagiographic poem on me. I shall write this poem in Ottava Rima or the far more compact Tetrameter. My students will memorize and recite it in English. This will be part of their presentation. Then I will get them to translate it into Hindi and other regional languages. Actually it doesnt matter that our students have minimal knowledge of other regional languages. We also have no translation laboratories or equipment to assist students. All this is irrelevant as we have complete leeway to do anything we want.
We have an exciting component called project work, which will be useful for outsourcing translations.
Once this is on camera, the DVD can be outsourced for dubbing into various languages. (a minimum of ten)
This way, I will have created a text, provided for inter-textuality, created a link between the various languages of India and also put myself on the national map with at least sixty unknown scholar-translators per semester.
I shall also acknowledge my sources(even though this is a practice that the university is beginning to frown upon) I need everyone to know that my inspiration is global. The Ceausescus Of Romania rewrote themselves into their nation's school curriculum. Surely university teachers are better qualified to direct higher education?
Taking a a leaf out of Chinese Olympic Inauguration protocol the camera must focus on the good looking and photogenic students for best visual appeal. They must be choreographed looking rapturous. Don't worry about discrimination. The ones with good handwriting will write me glowing feedback about how they had never understood the potential of teaching till they attended my lectures.
Director MPR : You must be a fantastic teacher to generate such student response!
Me: Actually, teaching is the least of it. I control their marks. The Carrot policy is as effective at the bottom of the pyramid.. It works well for me too. Every student clears my course with distinction. This is in keeping with our new output based national educational policy where we record an annual increase in the numbers of outstanding scholars. How else in the absence of infrastructural facilities and indifference to quality do you think education is being upgraded.? Education is expanding in geometric proportions inside of our own heads. All we are required to do is to manufacture the data to support it. I am first and foremost a patriot!
Director MPR: This is a brilliant innovative project.
Me: Yes, It should merit a one year fellowship to China or maybe Romania, and recharge me. On my return, I shall contact a recording company and hire playback singers, maybe train the next translation batch to sing in many languages. My first video will also be immediately updated and submitted for the next round of awards. Hurrah for innovation and diversification in the business of higher education.
