University News BULL-etin : All words within quotation marks have been sourced from the VC's Discourse.
As we have been told recently, the VC's time is not his own. Ever since the Annual Convocation, the VC has been redesigning the purple velvet gowns donned by DU's big league. Avid event watchers will recall that Pallam Raju opined that the existing costumes were inappropriate for our tropical climate. When Ministers notice matters of such grave import at a Central University, faux pas of this magnitude needs to be rectified instantaneously. As long as the convocation costumes are in order, the harmony of mind, body and heart is assured. Under such circumstances, the state will not interfere in the vice chancellor's affairs but will allocate junior ministers as cheerleaders to sashay beside the Vice-chancellor on his victory-march. Never mind that a considerable amount of the VC's energies are focused on allowing India's Premier Central University to self destruct. Despite all this, he has not allowed the moss to grow beneath his feet.
Cabal meetings with an unknown company that flew in secretly to assess 1100 of our undergraduates and pronounced all but three, unemployable, have also occupied a considerable chunk of the VC's time. Reportedly, the VC is stymied that the said company viewed the exercise as a waste of time and vowed "off the record" never to return. This is a matter of National talk show importance as all employees of this company are Bhatnagar Award Winners. Possession of this distinguished award renders everything and everyone else inconsequential. For this express reason, all of us in the teaching discipline must no longer refuse to care about secret reports presented by mysterious placement companies. All of us must also be aware of the double jeopardy: our current undergraduates are unemployable and there is no future for those who will graduate subsequently since everyone who missed out on the VC's talk shows would have been informed by his secret company about the intrinsic worthlessness of the DU graduate.
The VC is also distraught over the fact that hundreds of Noam Chomskys have been lost to us because our Sanskrit Honours students were denied a training in linguistics. This happened because nobody had access to information regarding Chomsky's secret study of Panini's grammar. The VC himself learnt of this from a book written by Charles. To rectify this criminal oversight, Innovative Cluster Programmes are hard at work, fine tuning data collected for the purpose of cloning Sanskrit students into Chomskys.
"Make no mistake," The VC is especially concerned about the 50 percent unemployable graduates of SRCC. He is hard at work trying to salvage their futures by juggling data he has personally collected out of his head. Unfortunately, Charles has been of little help in this regard, being rather dim at connecting vedic mathematics with Einstein. A connection between Einstein and TS Eliot exists, by the way. Other equally able collectors of anecdotal trivia have proved that both Eliot and Einstein worked as clerks but this research input has been rendered irrelevant since all clerical work is under the aegis of the DU Registrar who traverses across all orbits as a constellation in her own right.
The thirty per cent drop out rate at the university will now be speedily stemmed. All students enrolled in science disciplines who moved on to engineering, IT and medical options at the end of their first year when the VC wasn't looking will now be halted in their tracks. "Make no mistake', the VC is hard at work setting up companies all over India, where employable graduates are to be supplied. This will be every undergraduate's final destination.
Those who have been left out comprise the majority of Delhi University's undergraduate and graduate teachers. It matters little whether they are right. It matters even less that they have rights. "Make no mistake". You cannot be right if you do not have a Bhatnagar award, if you have not read Charles and if you are not in a position to inquire about electrical maintenance at foreign universities from their Presidents. You cannot be right if the game plan is to have you left behind in the process of malforming millions of young adult minds. Those of us, left in shock and disbelief, need to regroup away from the right wing and ensure that sanity prevails once again at Delhi University. Amen.